baby nurse

[Skippy]

Hello,

Hoping somebody can help inform my decision please!

As a first time mum to be (due twins in Spring) I have been asked a lot if I am considering using a baby nurse. Frankly, this isn't something that I would have considered but I am now wondering is it a sensible thing to do or do people just get on with it without help? We have no other children and no family in Scotland.

Would love to hear the views and experiences of twin mums who either used a baby nurse or alternatively those who didn't and how they coped!

Many thanks
Skippy

[Clare and Richard]

Hi Skippy,

I think there was a useful discussion on the old message board about the different kinds of 'help' twins mums had used, and everyone was different. Its certainly worth thinking ahead and trying to line up what you can or do some research beforehand. I didn't consider a baby nurse though i'm sure it'd be nice if money was no object!

I ended up using my mum A LOT, who thankfully is close by and very active - for company, advice, babysitting etc, and I pay for a weekly cleaner - by her doing the regular chores, I could focus my energy on baby stuff (and I reckoned it would be harder & cost more to get someone I was happy to leave my babies with!). My husband was also able to help loads, especially overnight and coming home promptly from work. Its a balance between some support to help get you through the first few months, when there is so much to do and two babies wanting holding, and perhaps lower level ongoing help to give you a break from something.

hope this helps,

Clare

[triciamurray]

hi

I agree with Clare that it probably depends on how much support your partner can give. We were lucky that Alasdair could work at home and would do so one day a week and also if i'd had a really bad night or was having a bit of a bad day. Alasdair was great at helping during the night and the first few weeks often took the boys out for a two hour walk just so i could get some rest. he was brilliant. When Al was at work, I found that I coped really well by myself until about 4.30 when the boys became really unsettled and i just used to get the buggy out and go for a long walk! i didn't find the first few weeks that bad, I think I had prepared myself for it. I found it really hard from about 5 months, which was partly related to the boys not sleeping well during the night as they were hungry so needed weaned (which i don't think i did that well), as well as them being more alert, needing more attention and just wondering when it was going to get easier. Once we got the sleep sorted life became much easier.

I do have family, friends and neighbours who have helped out but i have found it difficult in feeling I can ask them to do things and sometimes it actually became harder work having them here particularly on a piece-meal basis. I should have maybe rota-ed them in! Looking back it would have probably helped if i had, like another twin mum i know, got someone in to help between 4 and 6ish (I think she got a student). I also, like Clare, got cleaners from an agency which was brilliant and they kept on top of the house for me and actually they did used to sometimes help out when they were here in a very funny taking over way but they were so brilliant with the boys and me. The other things that I organised to help were milk delivery so i always had milk and fruit and veg box scheme and did a monthly shop from tesco's online (which you're better to set up before you have your babies!). I've now stopped the monthly shop as actually that is now an outing for the boys as they love being in the trolley!

There's a new first years group taking place at Oxgangs (see First years message board) - feel free to come along and have a chat to us there. Also, there's the four bumps, babies and toddler groups and there you will meet twin mums - many of which have had help with aupairs, nannies, mother's help and other adhoc people....

Hope that helps, Tricia

[Moodyjudy]

Hi

I didn't use a baby nurse or really consider one as I wanted to be the primary carer for the babies. I do get a lot of help from my husband who already had 3 children so we were perhaps in a more fortunate position than others. We don't have any family near by and our parents are older anyway so we couldn't rely on them for help on anything other than a short basis (don't tell my mum that!). What help I got was by having a cleaner a dog walker and a gardener at one point (we were trying to sell our house when they were 2 months old -not recommended at the best of times but certainly not in a credit crunch). Agree that best to set up on-line shopping before you have the little ones. I have a great support network of friends -mainly through my NCT classes-but a couple of mum's of twins who are fab at offering support and advice. I find that keeps you sane and having all the boring chores done by others means you have more energy available for the little ones. I took them to lots of classes so that they were amused and I wasn't tearing my hair out thinking what to do with them-there is only so much you can do with a 3 month old-it also means you meet lots of other new mums who look at you in awe because you've got 2-an instant confidence boost if ever one was needed.

There is help available for people with, I think, 2 children under 5 which I looked into but it was a regular weekly thing and I just wanted some help to go to the hairdressers or dentist or things like that which my former neighbour is delighted to do. I really can't remember the name of the organisation but I'm sure one of the committee members will.

I really miss my little ones being little because it means they are growing up (which is equally fab I have to say) so enjoy that rabbit in the headlights time because it is so precious.

Jude

(Mum to Angus and Rebecca 21 months)

[sally]

I just want to say that I agree totally with what everyone else has said. I had no family in Scotland (other than occasional visits) or outside help for the first 5 months, but I also got plenty of help from my partner who was at home with me. It was certainly possible to do without a maternity nurse, although it was definitely a lot of hard work, especially as we also moved house when they were three months old! Plenty of tough moments, but they always passed. We didn't have a cleaner and didn't do online shopping but if I had my time again I'd definitely take up those ideas. If you can afford some sort of help from a professional nurse or nanny then I'm sure it could be great, at least for the occasional bit of respite, but don't worry that it is something you absolutely must do. However, if friends or family do offer to visit to help out then definitely do take them up on it, and don't have any qualms about asking them to do the cooking and cleaning while you concentrate on the babies.

I think that managing your expectations is really important. While still pregnant I read in a twins-book that the only things you should worry about are caring for and feeding your babies, and caring for and feeding yourself. If you manage some days to have a shower and put a load of laundry on then that is a bonus! Anything else really doesn't matter. You must definitely not feel anxious or guilty about not tidying the house, replying to emails, or any of the other long list of things that we normally take for granted. I thought of this advice many many times during the first months and found it so helpful and liberating, not least because I ended up spending almost all my time breastfeeding and had no time at all for anything else (please don't think this is the general rule when breastfeeding twins- for example I know Tricia did brilliantly at feeding hers both at once quite quickly).

I hope this doesn't sound too daunting or negative. Things do get SO much easier once the babies start sleeping better and even during the tough early months it is just so brilliant having twins that it is worth every minute. I couldn't agree more with Jude- enjoy your babies when they are little because it is such a lovely and special time.

Sally, mum to Amy and Tom, 11 months.

[GeorginaM]

Hi Skippy,

I perhaps have a different view on this...I had a maternity nurse for a few weeks when I had my twins and would recommend it, especially if your partner has to return to work after a few days/weeks.

I have an amazing and hands on husband, but no family locally that could help out (and the added worry of looking after my eldest who was 22 months at the time) so it was the right decision for us. You are still the primary carer and decision maker but having another pair of reliable and trained hands to help with feeding, nappy changing, sterilising and take them out or watch them while you have a much needed nap etc was invaluable. If you are paying someone to do a job there is no guilt attached with asking them to help or feeling they themselves need attention like there might be for friends and family. I found that it gave me time and the energy to really enjoy my children and not feel like life was passing me by (even if it was a bit crazy at times!!!). There are no extra brownie points for doing it all by yourself!

There were definitely some down sides to having someone in your house (ie needing some space for you and your husband) but if you choose someone carefully and are open and honest with them it can work well and help you get settled and confident with your new twins.

Good luck with it all,

Georgina (Mum to Isla 3yr, Ali and Dillon 18 mths)

[Skippy]

Hello there!!

Thank you so much Georgina, Sally, Jude, Tricia and Clare (hope I haven't missed anybody out). Apologies for the delay in responding, I had a bit of a scare at 28 weeks but all its well now thankfully.

Sharing your experiences and tips has been very helpful. I have the Tesco online ordering set up and I am looking into getting a cleaner so that I can concentrate on the babies. I have asked family who are looking to visit from overseas to do so on a rota basis - lets hope they stick to it! I am going to hold off on the nurse for now and will see how I get on (the cost alone is horrendous and would eat into the time I could take off from work!).

Hope you are all well and thanks again, very much appreciated
xxx
Mum to be (5-6 weeks left)